In Memory

The shadow of death falls over

the unwilling and the willing.

Draw the blinds

Let the tears fall

On the unforgiving ground.

Grief like poison,

Wanting no cure.

In this hidden darkness

I will cry for you.

The spectre, the scythe, the hourglass

Have fallen.

Broken glass cuts deep.

Time will remain

The everlasting enemy.

Let my knees ache

Let my heart break

In Memoriam.

Those days.

When the sun shines a little brighter.

Flowers gleam like glorious possibilities.

The path chooses your feet.

Those days.

When night falls like an embrace.

The stars like jewelled tears.

Beautiful. Like wordless memories.

Those days.

When the rain is softly warm.

Like the gentle kiss of a rose.

The touch of a thousand petals.

Those days.

That caress like a smile in eternity.

Like the sweetest melody of violins.

The whispered laugh of blessing.

Those days.

Oh desolate January,

Your nights too long, too dark, the shimmering sun too fleeting

And when I close my eyes the darkness reigns.

Dreams of being lost,

Familiar signs make no sense.

I blink to be home,

But these ruby slippers no longer carry me.

These wings are clipped and ripped and torn.

Face in the mirror, face of a stranger.

The heavy weight of expanse is cracking and creaking,

And the golden cage meticulously constructed to contain

The wayward wisps of concentrated nothing

- crisp, toxic, apple-scented lies -

Impossibly, inevitably rusting.

Your voice that sounds like home,

I cannot touch.

And everything around, in the dark, volatile air,

Feels like cold.

And every fractured breath

Feels like ice.

Every shard of breathing

Feels like falling.

Every breath

Losing.

So it’s into the Quarter Finals at the Australian Open, and in the men’s game the top four are all through and all playing relatively well, although none of them have been seriously challenged yet. Djokovic had a mental lapse in his match with Hewitt in the third set, and this is something he’ll really need to avoid to retain his title. There were chinks in the Djokovic armour showing tonight. Ferrer is due to meet Djokovic in the Quarters, again on paper a match Djokovic should win. Ferrer is a good solid player and a consistent number 5, but remains on the periphery of the strong top 4. But if Djokovic has another moment like he did against Hewitt, Ferrer will punish it thoroughly. At their last meeting in the ATP end of year championships Ferrer won in straight sets against Djokovic. Although as they say, a Slam is a different beast.

Speaking of mental lapses – Murray has been refreshingly free of these so far, although of all the top players he’s had the easiest progression through the tournament, and with his next match against Nishikori of Japan this is set to continue. However, although he hasn’t been seriously challenged yet, he looks a lot more steady on court, a little more sensible. It seems Lendl has earned his salary already; the effects of his wisdom and advice seem to be showing. If Murray can keep his head, he is a serious contender for the title. Despite previous Slam matches against Djokovic which were decidedly one-sided, if this new Murray steps on court, he has the potential to beat Djokovic if they meet in the semi’s. I really hope the whining petulance has gone for good.

Federer and Nadal have the toughest side of the draw now, with Federer set to play Del Potro. A match Federer should come through, but I’m still carrying the mental scars of that US Open final in 2009. I hope Federer isn’t! Or that it only makes him more determined to win. I think that he can.

Berdych faces Nadal and is again a tough match-up, but if Nadal has free movement, which he has seemed to have in the earlier rounds, then he should win.

The women’s side is much more open and there’s an intriguing match-up between world number 1 Wozniacki and Clijsters. I only hope Clijsters ankle doesn’t cause her problems in what could be a very entertaining match. It would be nice to see Clijsters progress further in her last Aus Open.

I’ll confess I don’t know enough about Azarenka or Radwanska to call that one, although I may be watching that match on mute to save my ears from the screaming/grunting.

Not as big a surprise as it once would have been to see Williams go out, she’s been plagued with injuries and subsequent lack of match-play, but Makarova did well. Not sure that she’ll beat Sharapova though. And Wimbledon champ Kvitova should beat Errani.

To call a winner on the men’s side, I’m wrestling with head over heart so I’ll just say I’m 100% behind Federer

I’m excited.

It’s January and that means the start of the tennis season all over again. The Australian Open has begun. It’s also the start of that time of year when I hear cries of  ‘when you say you want Federer to win, I know you mean Murray!!’ and ‘you’re not supporting Murray?’ and ‘oh, FindingtheReal girl not Federer, haven’t you heard about Murray?’ (although I’m pretty sure no-one has actually ever called me FindingtheReal girl…)

It’s time for my patriotism to be questioned once again. 

Yes, I’m Scottish. But no, I’m not a Murray fan. *cue gasps of horror*

So, here is my defence for once and for all (well, until Roland Garros at least).

Firstly, I was a Federer fan long before Murray came on the scene. I’m ridiculously loyal; it’s one of my traits/flaws (depending on your point of view). I stick with my sporting heroes. I’m still a Stephen Hendry fan for goodness sake – and oh look – he’s Scottish So, I’m not going to jump ship from Federer to Murray just because he happens to hail from my homeland.

Secondly, for me, Federer outshines Murray. I love Federer’s attitude, the way he plays the game, his gracefulness, that forehand, his attack, his champions arrogance (what can I say, he deserves it), his gentlemanly conduct both on and off the court, the charity matches with Nadal. There’s a reason he’s won the Stefan Edberg Sportsmanship Award, voted for by his peers, a record-breaking 7 times (for the record, pre-Roger, I was a Stefan Edberg girl). Plus the ATP Fans Favourite Award every year since 2003. The man’s a real-life living legend.

Also, close on Federer’s Nike-clad heels, there is one Mr Rafa Nadal. He, too, is a legend. If it wasn’t for Fed I’d be all about the Rafa. He’s brilliant, amazing to watch, and such a down to earth, all round nice guy. How can you help but love Nadal? So if I can’t root for Roger, it’s definitely Nadal. And I’d love to see Roddick win another Slam too.

But just so you know, I love my country, I really do, and I don’t hate Murray. I wish him well. I hope he wins a Slam one day. I think the new appointment of Lendl as his coach is a good move. True, I can’t stand the media ‘will-he-won’t-he’ hoopla that surrounds every Slam, and especially Wimbledon, but that’s not his fault. I’m sure it bugs him too.

But above all, I’m just a Federer girl, and I will be until the great man hangs up his racket, which I hope won’t be any time soon.

So it is that time of year once again. Actually I should have done this part yesterday, maybe my new year’s resolution should be to not be late?

Anyway, a wee stock take of my hopes for 2011:

I would love to go to Africa. Africa is a place that really cries out to me so I would really love to go there. Hurrah, achieved. Huge big tick. Went to Zambia and it was amazing. Still have blogs in my head that need to be written, but needless to say it was inspiring, humbling and amazing.

Also, there is the usual ‘become fit and eat healthily’ one. Although I am a gym-goer and I do try to watch the amount of cakes and things I eat. I’ve started running once a week. Not sure yet if I love or hate it! But I have to really be careful that this one doesn’t become an obsession and the ‘eat healthily’ doesn’t translate to ‘eat nothing’. It’s a slippery slope for me, so definitely one I have to regulate, and make sure that what I see in the mirror is reality and not my sneaky mind playing tricks on me. That way madness lies. Well, it was pretty much a continuation of my normal lifestyle – gym, running, eating moderately. I consider this achieved.

I also intend to spend less time on my beautiful laptop. And moving swiftly on… 

Read more. Well maybe not more, I read 55 books last year which I was quite pleased with. I read 56 books in 2011. Hurrah. A sneaky one-day chick-lit effort while I was sick at the end of the year tipped the balance over last years. Woop.

See more of the world. There are plans afoot to go to Paris and Australia. Along with Africa that would be 3 continents visited (wow, I really paid attention at school…). As well as Africa, also went to Paris, which I loved a lot more than I expected to. This year – Australia! Hurrah!!

Write more. I love to write. I don’t know why I don’t do it more often (OK, I do, I’m too busy playing stupid Facebook games…). Hmm, write more. Well I wrote some. Probably not as much as I should have, but still some. So that’s good and I’m taking it. Also stopped playing the stupid FB games so I’m counting that as a bonus item.

And one last wee dream - find a job that ignites my passion, that is in line with what I love and what I believe in. Still working on this one and a big, fat goal for 2012.

So, who would I have at my dinner for 6  – anyone alive or dead.

Well, firstly I’d have to go for Jesus, because he liked to be sociable and I could ask him all those niggling questions And he’s pretty awesome.

Next – Bono. Enough said. Well, not really enough – because he’s one of the people I admire most in the world and we could talk about international politics… Plus he’d get on well with Jesus.

Then – Stephen King, cause what’s a little dinner without some storytelling.

And – Viggo Mortensen – the man who is actor, writer, painter, photographer, musician, so probably will be good dinner company too.

Then, Myles Kennedy of Alter Bridge fame, because the man sings like a fallen angel, like honeyed velvet, like grit on silk. He’s amazing, that’s what I’m saying.

My sixth place, do I take one of my sporting heroes – Michael Schumacher, Roger Federer, Rafa Nadal… Another of my literary heroes – Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Tolkien… Maybe Johnny Depp, because well, why not

Hmmm. I’m gonna go for Rob Bell. He’s got a few good stories in him and a gift for engaging speaking. We could ask Jesus what his opinion is on whether Love really does Win.

And we’d eat veggie food (of course) and talk the whole night through with labyrinthed story-telling, mellow and beautiful songs, some lyrical poetry, laughter, joy and some fine company

I really wanted to include Richard Dawkins, just so I could put him beside Jesus…

ETA – the hubby complained as he wasn’t there. He is, of course, co-hosting with me

ticking, ticking,

time-bomb

pencil, eye,

Death,

I spy.

I wasn’t the only one glued to my Twitter feed last night, while watching Democracy Now’s live broadcast from Georgia Prison where Troy Davis was due to be executed by lethal injection at midnight UK time. People had gathered to hold vigil for Troy, not only in Georgia but in Washington, France, London, Dublin, to pray for a last-minute stay of execution. In Georgia, as police helicopters circled, as a ridiculous amount of police cars surrounded the area, the people gathered prayed and sang and we all waited.

Troy Davis spent half his life on death row, 20 years, sentenced for the shooting of Mark McPhail, an off-duty police officer. But there was so much doubt surrounding the case:

7 of 9 witnesses recanted their statements. Of the 2 that did not, 10 other witnesses say that one of them killed the police officer. There was no physical evidence to link Troy to the crime, no gun was found. Three of the jurors in his trial said if they knew then what they know now they would never have convicted him. Just one of them changing their vote would have led to a hung jury.

Troy Davis waited for 20 years on death row. In 2008 he was granted a stay 90 minutes before he was due to be executed. Which surely is some kind of inhumane, mental torture? Tonight he faced it all again. The death penalty rigmarole of giving those about to be executed a physical to make sure they are healthy enough to kill (and then an autopsy afterwards). 

The death penalty which is nothing short of state-sanctioned murder.

Across the country Russell Brewer was being executed in Texas. He was a white supremacist who was part of a brutal murder of James Byrd. The family of the murdered man did not want Brewer to be executed. They said it would not bring their loved one back.

For Troy Davis there was world-wide, unprecedented outcry over his impending execution. Twitter trends, over 600,000 people signed a petition, 60,000 sent e-mails to the Georgia State Prison – until they blocked their e-mail. People resorted to sending faxes until they blocked that too. Then people took to the phones. The EU, a former FBI director, ex-President Carter, Desmond Tutu and thousands upon thousands of others – Republicans and Democrats – all denounced the execution. There was quite simply too much doubt.

As the time approached tears poured down my face as I prayed for peace for him. With one moment to go there was a cheer, they thought there had been a stay, but it was only a temporary reprieve while Troy Davis waited to see if the Supreme Court of the US would grant him a stay. I went to bed at 2.30am as the SCOTUS Judge Clarence Thomas held Troy Davis’ life in his hands. I went to bed with hope in my heart that when I awoke Troy would be alive. That Georgia would listen to the outpouring of world-wide pleas for mercy.

They did not.

Troy was executed and died at 11.08om EST.

I spent today horrified, shocked and grieving for this man. There was far too much doubt to take his life. The death penalty solves nothing. It did not make me or others safer today. It served to cast a dark cloud over the name of justice. As the Gandhi saying goes, ‘an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind’.

Congressman John Lewis said yesterday ”Today, we are all Troy Anthony Davis. Tonight, a little piece of all of us will die.” And today I feel just that. Like a piece of my heart has died. Like a flicker of hope for humanity and justice has been extinguished. 

As he lay on the gurney about to die Troy looked at the members of McPhail’s family and told them that he did not kill their son, brother, father. He was innocent. He spoke to his own family to tell them to keep the faith and continue to fight. He spoke to those about to take his life to ask for mercy on them and for God to bless their souls.

And these are the words he leaves with us:

“The struggle for justice doesn’t end with me. This struggle is for all the Troy Davises who came before me and all the ones who will come after me.

I’m in good spirits and I’m prayerful and at peace. But I will not stop fighting until I’ve taken my last breath.”

Today my broken heart goes out to the family of Troy Davis, and to Mark McPhail, who have sought peace. I do not think they will find it in the executon of a likely innocent man, but I hope that one day the truth will be known.

Troy Davis is no longer suffering. But while he ended his life with dignity, humbleness and peace, I struggle with the darkness of an uncaring, heartless act of execution. Justice was not done today. Today it was a travesty that makes me sick to my stomach. It is so hard to keep believing that justice can prevail. When the ears of Georgia were so closed to us, when if there was even one iota of doubt – and there was so much more than that – then they should not have killed a man. How to believe that there is humanity and mercy in the human race. Yet what else can we do but keep fighting against injustice? Today the world seems so dark, but we/I must keep holding on to the hope of light no matter how distant and difficult it seems.

Sources: http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2094103-2,00.html, http://pthblog.amnesty.org.uk/troydavisthefightgoeson/, http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/sep/21/troy-davis-10-reasons

So on Tuesday I will land in Lusaka, Zambia. I have always wanted to go to Africa. Time after time God has broken my heart for the African nations, and finally I get to set foot on African soil.

But before I go I have to write a 2,000 word essay on culture and international rights for my OU course, I have to prepare talks in case the African church calls on us to preach, lesson plans in case they plant us in front of eager-eyed students with a will to learn (and the ones who don’t!), team talks, recipes to cook – though I’m not sure they’ll have the ingredients for haggis, neeps and tatties…

I’m not really good at expecting the unexpected, I like my plans and schedules so I definitely need to get my head ready for the famous ‘African time’.

All in all I’m just feeling stressed, stressed, stressed. I kind of feel like so much of my life has been leading up to this and I’m not ready yet.

On Monday, I’ll be fine, I’m sure. All the preparations that I can manage will be done. I’ll be able to relax a little and enjoy the experience.

I’m so looking forward to meeting up with the team we’re going with, to finally get going, to be in another continent, to live an African way of life for a while, to see what they struggle with, what brings them joy, hopefully to touch their hearts and have them touch mine. And above all else I know that God has already gone before me so in reality my worries should be dissolved like mist in the morning sun.